


Kindling, Smoke, and Fire

by catthulhu



Category: Stand Still Stay Silent
Genre: Angst, Gen, Grief, Missing Scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-04
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-16 15:48:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29827269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catthulhu/pseuds/catthulhu
Summary: Onni speaks to Lalli in his dreamspace for the first time after Adventure 1, and Onni makes a plan.
Relationships: Lalli Hotakainen & Onni Hotakainen
Comments: 4
Kudos: 15





	Kindling, Smoke, and Fire

**Author's Note:**

> _Yeah, I'm one spoon away_  
>  _From setting the ends of my hair on fire_  
>  _If I'm kindling for a little while_  
>  _At least I'd feel of use_  
>  \- Boreas by The Oh Hellos

Onni stared at the moss and shadows in the rocky formations across from him. His face was engulfed in a tight frown, arms crossed securely in front of his chest.

The crew had safely made it onto the quarantine ship. It still sent Onni into a cold sweat, wondering what events had led Lalli to be stranded in the middle of the dreamsea and prompted him to wake up without even taking the time to explain, but… Somehow, it didn’t surprise him. Onni felt there was a cruel sort of irony the gods must be enjoying. They’d taken Tuuri and kept Lalli just out of his reach.

Tuuri wasn’t immune, so Onni had always thought he could keep a hold on her, no matter how fragile. As much as she wanted to see the world, the world created the limits Onni wanted for her. He fully expected her to visit Mora or even Reykjavik one day (though he would never dare tell her that,) but that day wouldn’t come until she was older. When she was more ready.

But of all the entirely foolish, idiotic, stupid things, she went out into the Silent World. For books. Onni knew the value of knowledge, but this was absurd.

And she took Lalli with her. Onni could never keep as tight a reign on Lalli. He was like smoke; present, but always out of reach and passively untamable. Even Grandma had had a hard time with him sometimes. Onni certainly did. Lalli was usually eager to learn, but only on his terms.

Onni shook his head. He still didn’t really know how Tuuri got Lalli to go. Lalli did things like that, wild, brash things that put himself in ridiculous amounts of danger. Onni had tried to convince Lalli to stay. But Tuuri’s incessant pull had gotten to their cousin first.

The feeling of Lalli’s presence at the edge of his dreamspace snapped Onni out of any thoughts his mind swam in. Lalli didn’t have to call out; Onni allowed him past his borders without a word. He straightened, dropped his arms, and turned to face his cousin as he came walking lightly towards Onni’s shaded haven.

Throat tight, Onni barreled forward and wrapped Lalli in the tightest hug he had ever given.

Onni knew Lalli didn’t like hugs, or touching in general. But dammit, this was his moment, and Onni wouldn’t let Lalli slip away so easily again. And Lalli indulged him. He rested his head on Onni’s shoulder and embraced him in kind, though nowhere near as tightly. It was a long time before Onni was ready to let go, and by then his eyes stung with the tears he still held down.

Lalli met Onni’s gaze, face kneaded and folded into the blankness Onni knew well. Onni could still catch the grief and defensiveness hidden in the corners of Lalli’s eyes. It was an expression they had both learned from their grandmother.

“Tell me everything,” said Onni finally. He felt as if the words punctured his chest as well as the silence, deflating into flatness that draped him across the cool mossy ground under their feet. It felt unnatural, but he forced himself to sit down and settle stilly upon a rock. Lalli sat on the ground nearby, legs crossed in front of him.

“You saw the ghosts,” said Lalli. His voice was quiet and controlled in a way that made Onni’s chest ache even deeper than it already did. Onni nodded.

“That’s when it happened. A troll got through the floor. It wasn’t much.”

Onni swallowed hard. The sky above them darkened, wrapping itself deeper in the ethereal fog. He forced himself to stay silent.

“It took just a few days.” The pauses between Lalli’s sentences lengthened. He showed no other signs of distress; his face remained stony and his breathing was steady.

“She noticed before I did. But I… I wasn’t looking, either.” Lalli’s fists tightened, and Onni felt his own resolve breaking to endure this conversation. He wanted to throw up.

“I’m sorry,” said Lalli.

Onni felt nothing. The dreamsea air was stale against his skin and his heart had fallen off the cliff into the quiet depths of emptiness.

“Did…?” asked Onni, unable to find the words to finish his thought. Lalli shook his head, almost imperceptibly.

“No. She walked into the sea. I stayed to make sure she made it.” Lalli’s voice lost some control, raising in volume and scattering in cadence.

Onni knew she’d made it. He’d seen her spirit pass by. She’d apologized, which did mean the world to Onni, but…

He crossed his arms and closed his eyes, suddenly uncomfortable in the face of the light permeating his dream haven.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Lalli didn’t say anything for a long time. Onni didn’t know what was coming, what would take so much deliberation to articulate.

“You know why, Onni,” said Lalli softly. There was a touch of his usual grumpy defiance in his voice, but Onni knew he was right. Onni let out a gruff sigh and opened his eyes.

“Yeah.”

It still didn’t feel real. It still felt as if Tuuri would be walking off that ship in four weeks, face bright, but maybe a little worn, flush with the thrill of a successful expedition.

And the expedition had technically been a success, hadn’t it? Onni was no stranger to the harshness of military life. Even after he and his family had taken refuge within the walls of Keuruu, death and tragedy still greeted them like an old friend.

But his stomach burned at the thought of the virtually meaningless sacrifice his sister had made.

Onni hauled his thoughts back towards his current surroundings. He looked at Lalli, who in turn was staring emptily at the ground, equally lost in his own thoughts. Onni frowned and allowed his confusion to drive his words.

“What happened after that? What happened to you?”

He’d found Lalli swimming—no, _drowning_ —in the middle of the dreamsea, just days ago, a moment that Onni had filed away as “to worry about later,” because if he did any differently it would drive him over the edge of madness.

Lalli drew his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms around his legs. He looked out from under half-hooded lids, gaze soft.

“I got lost for a while. I got… knocked out of my body.”

Onni wanted to tear his hair out. He kept his voice steady, but a slight tremor betrayed his anxiety, anger, and relief.

“Lalli, _how?_ ”

“We got stranded in the path of a giant.” He shrugged. The motion was forced. “I don’t really know what I did. It kept us both alive, though.”

Onni sighed and sank back against the stone supporting him. “That’s good, I guess. I’m glad I found you, too.”

Lalli continued to stare, lost in thoughts Onni couldn’t even begin to imagine. He wanted to ask more, to ask about the rest of the expedition, to ask who it was Lalli dared to call a friend, to ask what skills he’d used and the things he’d learned while protecting a group of people in the Silent World.

But Onni didn’t say any of that. There was rarely room for words between them, and now the space dividing them seemed nearly impassable. How could he communicate what he was feeling when he couldn’t even articulate it himself? How could he expect Lalli to?

After a few more moments of silence, Lalli climbed to his feet and looked directly at Onni.

“I’m going to go back and rest. I’ll see you soon, okay?”

Onni nodded dumbly. He didn’t stand up as Lalli bounded out of his dreamspace. There was an odd, unsettling quality about the exchange that upturned something deeply settled in Onni’s gut. Lalli was always running away, that was unchanged.

Onni let out a little laugh—of course. It made sense. It was normal, healthy, even, even if it caught Onni off guard.

In that weird collection of soldiers and civilians, Lalli had found something like a life. Onni had never known Lalli to call someone a friend, but if he was willing to tolerate someone in this group to that degree, it spoke volumes about the situation. Onni looked up at the tops of the trees that enclosed his dreamspace. The moment Lalli struck out on his own, he found a place for himself. Like the way he would hide away in the high hollows of the trees back home, he made himself safe and secure where he was.

And after all, isn’t that what Tuuri had done, too? In her own way? Struck off on her own, as she always did, to throw herself so completely into her morbid curiosity?

Was this not just her final, blazing adventure?

Onni hummed slowly and quietly to himself, the tune weaving in and out of several different songs he’d known since he was a small child. Neither Tuuri nor Lalli had ever really changed. It was just their circumstances.

It felt strange to think that, maybe, this was not the worst end for Tuuri to have found.

But Onni couldn’t let himself pursue that train of thought.

Lalli seemed… okay, and that was what mattered now.

But something nagged at him. It had gnawed at him for years, a decade now, festering and full of bile in the back of his mind.

It hunted both Onni and Lalli, drifting across the dreamsea and wandering through the wilds of their homeland. Onni had kept them safe from it the way he always faced their problems, by staying as far away as possible.

He stopped his humming. It was a problem he’d always known would have to be dealt with. Some things could be sheltered against; this was not one of them. Lalli had a life now, and Onni had to protect that. He had to protect him.

The plan assembled itself seamlessly in Onni’s mind with surprising speed. He could snatch a few moments with Lalli in Reykjavik—he wanted to make sure Lalli was really okay—and then he could slip away without causing a fuss.

He would need help, of course, but Lalli wasn’t an option if Onni wanted to keep him alive. And he wasn’t much better than Lalli for making friends. But there were other options.

The less Lalli knew, the better.

Onni knew deep down that he was setting a dangerous spark to everything he had. And that thought made him feel strangely powerful.

He could feel himself waking up as morning once more had its unwelcome arrival. There were still more details to determine, but a peace encompassed Onni, a peace he hadn’t felt in years. 

He’d had enough of his family throwing their lives away.

**Author's Note:**

> Whoa! I'm finished drafting Here, Come In Close, which means I got to churn out this little guy! Someone _please_ get Onni some therapy.


End file.
